We are committed to ensuring that your privacy is protected. Should we ask you to provide certain information by which you can be identified when using this website, then you can be assured that it will only be used in accordance with this privacy statement.
However, should you provide me with naked pictures of yourself, these are not covered by the privacy agreement and I will create an account on Pinterest in your name and post them under the title "Oooh, look at my botty!"
We may change this policy from time to time by updating this page. You should check this page from time to time to ensure that you are happy with any changes. This policy is effective from the date of our Lord Jesus' birth until his eventual resurrection.
What we collect
We may collect the following information:
- IP address.
- User agent.
- Anything a standard server log will capture.
- Some analytics via Clicky.
That should be it.
What we do with the information we gather
We require this information to understand your needs and provide you with a better service, and in particular for the following reasons:
- Malevolent fun!
Just like everyone else with your data on the internet (and beyond).
We are committed to ensuring that your information is secure. In order to prevent unauthorised access or disclosure, we have put in place suitable physical, electronic and managerial procedures to safeguard and secure the information we collect online.
I'm sure Sony and Linkedin and Apple and every other corporate entity on the internet tell you that too. Sucker! WE SELL AND GIVE AWAY EVERYTHING WE HAVE ON YOU AND IF WE CAN'T MANAGE THAT WE GIVE *ALL* YOUR PERSONAL INFO TO BLACK HAT CRACKERS VIA THE MEDIUM OF OUR INCOMPETENCE!
Right now we don't, but if we do, we'll let you know and...
You can choose to accept or decline cookies. Most web browsers automatically accept cookies, as they taste nice with milk and browsers don't get out in the sun much, that vitamin D is essential! But, you can usually modify your browser setting to decline cookies if you prefer. Perhaps because you're overweight. This may prevent you from taking full advantage of the website but may lead to you being attractive enough to go outside and form real relationships.
But I doubt it.
Links to other websites
Our website may contain links to other websites of interest. However, once you have used these links to leave our site, you should note that we do not have any control over that other website. We wish we did. Therefore, we cannot be responsible for the protection and privacy of any information which you provide whilst visiting such sites and such sites are not governed by this privacy statement. You should exercise caution and look at the privacy statement applicable to the website in question.
In other words, there are people that are so moronic or such piss takers that we actually have to state that we're not responsible for things we're obviously nothing to do with. They're quite possibly American - who else is that litigious?
Controlling your personal information
You may choose to restrict the collection or use of your personal information in the following ways:
- whenever you are asked to fill in a form on the website, look for the box that you can click to indicate that you do not want the information to be used by anybody for direct marketing purposes
- if you have previously agreed to us using your personal information for direct marketing purposes, you may change your mind at any time by writing to or emailing us at hahaha-no-one-ever-responds-on-this-address@ourmarketingdepartment
- We will not sell, distribute or lease your personal information to third parties unless we have your permission or are required by law to do so. We may use your personal information to send you promotional information about third parties which we think you may find interesting if you tell us that you wish this to happen.
You may request details of personal information which we hold about you under the Data Protection Act 1998. A small fee will be payable, probably around £1M. Yes, that's a million. If you would like a copy of the information held on you please write to:
If you believe that any information we are holding on you is incorrect or incomplete, please write to or email us as soon as possible, at the above address. We will promptly correct any information found to be incorrect BECAUSE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A LIAR.